Jupiter Ascending Explained in 30 Seconds

For the record, I really do wish I could review Jupiter Ascending, and score it at the end. But how can you review something that made absolutely no sense to you?! Normally, when I draft up a review, I do a little introduction which normally has nothing to do with the film, locate a poster to make the post look pretty, and then summarise the plot of the film. Well, that’s where I got stuck.

What you’re getting instead is me, attempting to explain the plot, as I understood it. This may or may not be in chronological order, it’s been a whole week since I saw the film and I’ve kind of forgotten half of it. Apologies in advance…Oh! Spoilers ahead...

Some guys in uniform bust in on Mila Kunis’s parents and murder her father. He was trying to protect his telescope. I don’t know why. 

Skip to the present day. Mila Kunis cleans toilets for a living, although she’s always dreamed of more… p.s. her name is Jupiter...Jupiter - really!

Channing Tatum’s stealing some kind of medical records for a girl who’s name I can’t remember. It’s not Mila Kunis though. A group of weirdos, one with pink and blue hair, one with a crazy mohawk, and I think there was a third (?!) try and steal them from him. Channing uses his inner Magic Mike and escapes.

In the night, some alien things try and murder Mila Kunis’ friend, who just happens to be that girl whose records were taken. Mila manages to get a picture of it all on her iPhone. The aliens are cool with that.

The next morning, Mila goes to sell her eggs using the name of her friend. What was the friends purpose in this movie?! (see further rant below!) She really wants/needs the money to buy a telescope just like her father’s. Plot twist! The doctors are aliens who think Mila is actually her friend, and try to kill her. Channing to the rescue!

Once rescued, Channing takes Mila to his friend Ned Stark, who is alive and well. He lives with a lot of bees, bees which love Mila Kunis. Channing and Ned reckon this means Mila is actually royalty, so they take her to space.  I've never been stung by a bee, does this make me royalty?!

In between all of this, there’s some royal arguments over who owns Earth and when it needs to be ‘harvested’ Eddie Redmayne does a brilliant Voldemort impression.  I couldn't understand word he said!

Turns out that not only is Mila royalty, she’s the re-incarnation of the Eddie Redmayne and the other two’s mother. Err, what? Pretty Boy, Eddie’s brother hatches a master plan to marry his re-incarnated mother, murder her, and then take Earth for himself. Did we ever learn why Earth was so important to him?  Moreso, Why did he want to marry his own Mom?! yak!

If you hadn’t guessed, Channing to the rescue. Again. Mila is a little in love with him and his wolfy ears.

I really forgot what happened next. There was some fighting, some sort of betrayal, and Mila realised all she really wants to do is go back home and clean toilets. Somehow, her wish is granted. Everyone lives happily ever after, Channing Tatum now has wings, and Ned Stark got to see the credits with his head intact. Huzzah! haha!!

Sorry to anyone who really enjoyed this movie. If I may add, it was visually beautiful. It's just that it felt like it was based on a book that was mandatory reading material before walking in to the cinema!

I feel exactly the same as Allie (which is saying something because I usually understand films when she doesn't!! Sorry mate!) so I only have one thing to add to this.  Why, why, why did the Wachowski's decide after the debacle that was The Matrix Reloaded AND Revolutions, to make ANOTHER film that was visually stunned but appeared to be written by a small child.  The dialogue was painful and the story was ridiculous (what I could understand of it) and there was numerous characters/characters names that were brought in and out with no logical explanation.  Why have a film with such a complicated plot and vast volume of un-necessary characters and mentions with such simplistic and cheesy dialogue.  I wanted to love it, I had high hopes for it....unfortunately my hopes were dashed after 10 minutes!!