Review: Wiener-Dog (2016)

Let me tell you about 2 of my favourite things. Number 1: Dogs. All dogs, to be perfectly honest. I’m the type of person who, whilst walking in the woods will say hello to every dog I meet, and completely ignore the human being on the other side of the lead. Dachshund’s in particular are extremely cute. Number 2: Those movies about multiple stories where they all end up linking together in some way. Okay, what I actually mean is that I love Love Actually, but you get the picture. So when I find out about a movie called Wiener-Dog, a movie about a little dachshund who changes the lives of a whole bunch of people, I’m hyped.

How then, can a movie let me down so badly?! Here, let me find you this movie’s description, straight from IMDB: A dachshund passes from oddball owner to oddball owner, whose radically dysfunctional lives are all impacted by the pooch.

Hmm, not quite. Let me give it a go: The unluckiest dachshund in the world gets passed on from one bad owner to the next, people who don’t deserve the bundle of happiness that is Wiener-Dog.

Perhaps I’m being harsh. Let me recap on the ‘oddball owners’ that Wiener-Dog gets passed on to.

Oddball Owners #1: A father picks up Wiener-Dog from the local shelter as a gift for his cancer-suffering child. Proceeds to keep her locked in a cage until ‘her will has been broken’. Parents leave said child alone in the house whilst they attend a yoga class, and the kid feeds the hungry little dog far too many granola bars, causing mass diarrhea. Father takes Wiener-Dog to the vets to be put down.

At this point the viewers are treated to a beautiful tracking shot of diarrhea in the street. It goes on for ages, and it’s accompanied by some lovely music, too. 

Oddball Owners #2: The vet’s assistant (Greta Gerwig) takes pity on Wiener-Dog, and steals her away. She names her doodie. As in, well, poo. Great. She then decides to take a road trip with an old school friend who is possibly the world’s biggest douchebag, and leaves Wiener-Dog with her friend’s disabled family.

I’m not sure what happens at this point, because we head straight on to…

Oddball Owners #4: A struggling scriptwriter (Danny DeVito) now owns Wiener-Dog, but instead of giving her a loving home, he has a crazy turn and straps a bomb to her. I’m not even kidding. The bomb squad have to disarm her before she goes boom.

Oddball Owners #?: Wiener-Dog now lives with an old, blind lady, who has named her Cancer. Wonderful. Old lady’s horrible granddaughter comes to visit with her new boyfriend Fantasy (arghhh!) and asks for $10,000 to help him with his artistic dream. She relents, and terrible granddaughter leaves. What happens next is some bizarre epiphany involving multiple versions of old lady’s younger self.

I won’t spoil the ending for you. Even though this post should ensure that you’ll never want to see this movie, I won’t do that to you. It will go down in history as one of the biggest ‘WTF’ endings. 

From what I can gather, Wiener-Dog got a lot of good reviews. Perhaps the story is just too spiritual or artsy for me, but all it did was turn me into a giant ball of rage. At least I wasn’t bored at any point. 

TV Review: Girls Season 5

Last weekend brought the Season 5 finale of HBO’s Girls, in a double whammy that I wasn’t expecting, nor mentally prepared for. Now, I love the fact that Girls doesn’t stretch their Seasons out across an entire year like too many shows, but ten half an hour long episodes just isn’t enough for me! I was already mourning the fact that next week would be it for a year, but then both episodes came out at once and whilst one part of me thought I could save Episode 10 for next week, I also needed to consume both episodes as quickly as possible.

I only actually got into Girls last November, when I was on the hunt for a new show and heard it mentioned in too many places to ignore it. On the face of it, Girls should never have been a show I could enjoy as much as I do. It follows the lives of four girls (funnily enough) living in New York, struggling to find their places in the world. A world I’m very much not a part of. Maybe escapism is what I get from it. Either way, the second I saw Lena Dunham’s character Hannah eating a huge piece of cake whilst in the bath, I was hooked. I can relate to this girl in at least one way!

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching it ‘real time’, but Season 5 has definitely been one of the best. I haven’t been happy with every storyline, but when an episode can focus entirely on my least favourite character (looking at you, Marnie) and be the most memorable, then something’s being done right for sure! I hated the way Hannah and Adam’s relationship was left at the end of Season 4, so I was dying to find out what would happen. Here’s what - it got torn out of my chest and ripped to shreds. 

I’ve got to start with the rollercoaster of emotions that is Jessa (Jemima Kirke) and Adam’s (Adam Driver) relationship. I’ve always been flying the flag for Hannah and Adam so I was absolutely not cool with this development, until their date at the fair, which was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever watched. Big thumbs down at the way Jessa treated Hannah over it all though. Not cool! Also not cool? Jessa and Adam’s fight in the final episode. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be absolutely terrified. Anyone questioning the casting choice of Kylo Ren need look no further, here! This has got to be the beginning of the end for them, surely?

Poor Shosh (Zosia Mamet)! It’s such a shame things didn’t work out for her in Japan, she seemed right at home there. Now that she’s back, I was half hoping she would turn Ray’s (Alex Karpovsky) coffee shop into a cat cafe, but she’s turning the place round, regardless. I’ve had my fingers crossed for a Shosh and Ray reunion for a while, and then Ray went and followed Marnie (Allison Williams) on tour. Ray! What are you doing, man?!

Marnie has been the character I’ve loved to hate. She’s so self absorbed she can’t see what’s happening around her, and yet some of the things she comes out with are absolutely hilarious, like her surprise that people still get mugged. When she walked away from Charlie mid-season, I had such high hopes for her. She was going to leave Desi (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), and realised she can’t spend her life trying to fix broken men. Of course, she ruined all those good feelings I had in the very next episode. Oh, Marnie…

And then there was Hannah. Hannah is controversial at the best of times, but she’s been really pushing the mark this Season. From showing her lady parts to her boss to forcing herself on Ray, it’s been hard to defend her. Yet in the final two episodes, she grew so much. She’s quit the job she neither enjoyed or was very good at, and re-discovered her passion for writing, which she is bloody amazing at! Her changed attitude towards Jessa and Adam was so grown up of her, but my heart breaks when I think about what she must have heard Adam shout about her. I honestly don’t think there’s a chance for them, now. I’ll still hold onto the hope they can become good friends by the end of the last Season though, they bounced off each other so well.

That finale was just so perfect that it felt like the actual final finale to the whole show. I’d have almost been okay with that, but I still have so many unanswered questions. Last year brings the final Season, though. Sadface!